May 31, 2010


I am trying to keep my mind off a few things at the moment. Writing about them isn't really going to help but I will pretend for now...
For starters, I have an annoying ache in my back, legs and ankles. It isn't something I want to go to bed with, so I am staying up late to see if it goes away. Not much sense in tossing and turning and making the pain worse.

I am also trying to keep my mind off my future. There seems to be a lot of work involved at the moment and if I didn't know it was worth it, then I would give up. I am mentally exhausted but must push on for the sake of my sanity and my children!

I thought I had found the light at the end of the tunnel...or rather, the end of the rainbow, when I found the end of the rainbow on the weekend. Mistakenly, I thought it must be a sign that things were looking up but nothing has changed. There are some glorious people in my life and I thank the Gods of love and friendship that I have them, but there are somethings one must do for oneself, and I hate that I lack motivation to force things forward.

Today was a sad day, in some ways. I was invited to take the group photo of the 4th year uni students, the ones I should have been graduating with had I stuck it out in the teaching degree. Seeing them celebrating their last class (for the majority) before they embark on their final placement was both a happy, exciting time, but also a gut-wrenching, time-to-question-my-own-choices kind of moment. Here I am, standing in front of them, looking at them through the camera's eye and I see the future for my kids, the future for many kids, and I could have been a part of that.
Of course, I should mention that I will be getting my teaching degree after all the rigamarole I have been through NOT getting it. It is the only viable option now. But it won't be with the people I studied with for three years. It won't be with a group of the most wonderful people I could have met. It'll be alone, via distance study.

They are wonderful people. Even the lecturers told them so. So many cheeky, bubbly personalities, caring and friendly...and bringing a baby helps too (even the male lecturers were spotted going ga-ga for the babies that came through!). Luckily none of them will end up Collingwood fans though!

The end of the rainbow. No pot of gold, no little man in green handing out potatoes. Not even a magical unicorn offering to whisk me away to Neverland or Hogwarts. Just a pretty picture, where the happy ending is still to come.

May 17, 2010

Winter walks

Walking is good for your health, or so they say. So far, walking has been good for disturbing my sleep!

In truth, I am really enjoying my walks. My alarm is set for 5:56am, I listen to the news on the radio, and leave the house at 6:15am. It is dark and cold when I leave but when I get home at 6:45am, I am well and truly warmed up and enjoying the morning sun. I haven't been walking every single day. Weekends are off limits...but other than that I haven't missed more than 2 mornings. It has only been 12 walks to date but that is compared to nothing before...

I have noticed some things about the environment I live in on these walks. It is fascinating to see what goes on before the majority of people are awake. The sounds are different, the smells are different and everything looks different.

With every breath forms a cloud of fog and the cold air almost hurts to breath in again. The sound of my footsteps on the footpath are the loudest sounds until I reach the main road where there is rarely a car to disrupt my progress. There is one sound I hear that worries me every day...It is the buzzing of electricity as I pass by one particularly loud electricity pole. It is probably something I should tell someone about...It cannot be heard over the noise the day makes.
One morning I smelled raisin bread toasting as I passed one house, and another smelled of freshly burning wood. It was the first wood fire I have smelled and the only one so far. Then there is the smell of exhaust fumes as I walk past the service station. There is always cars parked there, engines running, as their owners slip in to buy coffee or cigarettes or whatever their need is. I imagine they leave their heaters running.

I find it oddly amusing that at such an early hour, so many people seem to be in a hurry. There isn't enough time in the day for anything, apparently.

I have contemplated taking my camera with me on these walks, but the weight of it would be cumbersome, and having to stop to take a photo every five steps would defeat the purpose of the walk. Sunrise is beautiful, each and every morning. The streets glow pink and orange and I feel as though I am walking towards the new day, fresh, awake - alive.

But every day that I walk, I am fighting off aches and pains. The impact on my knees and my body isn't pleasant but I ignore it because I need to stay active.
I need to teach my body and my mind that it needs to cope with at least that amount of activity every day. When I start working, I want to get through the day without feeling as though I have run a marathon!!

Not that I have a job yet.....

Here is a little something I took recently with my iPhone. I thank then inventors of camera phones every day, because if I don't have my real camera with me, I always have my phone!