I am trying to keep my mind off a few things at the moment. Writing about them isn't really going to help but I will pretend for now...
For starters, I have an annoying ache in my back, legs and ankles. It isn't something I want to go to bed with, so I am staying up late to see if it goes away. Not much sense in tossing and turning and making the pain worse.
I am also trying to keep my mind off my future. There seems to be a lot of work involved at the moment and if I didn't know it was worth it, then I would give up. I am mentally exhausted but must push on for the sake of my sanity and my children!
I thought I had found the light at the end of the tunnel...or rather, the end of the rainbow, when I found the end of the rainbow on the weekend. Mistakenly, I thought it must be a sign that things were looking up but nothing has changed. There are some glorious people in my life and I thank the Gods of love and friendship that I have them, but there are somethings one must do for oneself, and I hate that I lack motivation to force things forward.
Today was a sad day, in some ways. I was invited to take the group photo of the 4th year uni students, the ones I should have been graduating with had I stuck it out in the teaching degree. Seeing them celebrating their last class (for the majority) before they embark on their final placement was both a happy, exciting time, but also a gut-wrenching, time-to-question-my-own-choices kind of moment. Here I am, standing in front of them, looking at them through the camera's eye and I see the future for my kids, the future for many kids, and I could have been a part of that.
Of course, I should mention that I will be getting my teaching degree after all the rigamarole I have been through NOT getting it. It is the only viable option now. But it won't be with the people I studied with for three years. It won't be with a group of the most wonderful people I could have met. It'll be alone, via distance study.
They are wonderful people. Even the lecturers told them so. So many cheeky, bubbly personalities, caring and friendly...and bringing a baby helps too (even the male lecturers were spotted going ga-ga for the babies that came through!). Luckily none of them will end up Collingwood fans though!
The end of the rainbow. No pot of gold, no little man in green handing out potatoes. Not even a magical unicorn offering to whisk me away to Neverland or Hogwarts. Just a pretty picture, where the happy ending is still to come.